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Tuesday
Nov032009

Dating advice.

A guy I don’t know met some girl I don’t know at a show for some band I’ve never heard of and they hit it off and she gave him her email address. He proceeded to detail the interaction in the dating advice thread of a social message board owned by a friend of mine, using about a dozen paragraphs to explain every moment of the brief encounter.

It took this guy two emails to finally ask the girl out, and he did so in a really bad, wimpish way, and she of course blew him off. He’s presently considering schemes to get mutual friends to arrange for him and the girl to find themselves in the same place again, possibly at some kind of board games party.

I was moved to share some dating advice that I thought some of you might be interested in reading.

First, forget any third party-related schemes to run into this girl again. For all intents and purposes, you’ve blown it. Time to move on.

Second, your emails were too equivocal. When a girl gives you her contact info, it is explicitly because she wants you to ask her out. You didn’t properly do that until the second email, which demonstrates to her that you are weak and/or not really that interested.

Emails of this nature should be no more than three sentences. Sentence 1 (required): Nice meeting you. Sentence 2 (optional): Some kind of relevant joke. Sentence 3 (required): Do you want to go out with me?

Do not use words like “maybe” or “possibly” or “wondering” or any wishy-washy language like that. You’re an adult, be direct. If she writes back and says no, she’s a flake because why did she give you her email if she wasn’t interested? If she says she can’t make it on the day you want, it’s up to her to suggest an alternative. If she does not, you just write back and say “Okay well maybe I’ll see you around.” You do not chase.

Third, you are your own worst enemy here. The initial interaction you described is of the simplest, most casual of natures, yet it took you paragraphs to explain. After you hit “send”, you must stop thinking about it and get back to your business. It’s a fact that overthinking things is a terrible jinx, especially after the first encounter, and I have no doubt that this girl smelled that desperation all over you even through the internet.

Dating becomes a lot easier and less stressful when you just let yourself go. Think of it like walking waist-deep against a current and then just lifting your legs up and letting the water take you where it will. Sometimes you will bang your head against a rock but on the whole it’s a less aggravating exercise.

Along those lines, your report back to this forum should have been: “Met a cute girl at a show. We chatted a bit and she asked me to email her, so I did and I’m waiting to hear back.”

Good luck next time.

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